Muni Rules

Ah, Muni. There are so many things that I like about you. I like your cheap rides, and the way that I don't have to worry about a designated driver, or look for parking. I like how you go all over the city and how I rarely have to walk more than a few blocks to get to one of your stops.

But Muni, you also have some issues that make riding you very unpleasant at times. Yes I know that you are not to blame for all of your problems, so below I'm sharing a list of do's and don'ts that, if your rider's follow them, can make some of these unpleasant times a little more tolerable.

Do:
-Let the shovers go first, after all you don't need to be rude just because other people are.
-Know that the bus is going to move and hold on in preparation. Nobody likes to be next to a stranger wildly groping around for something to break their fall.
-Squeeze past that group congregating in the middle of the bus, since not only will this make room for other people but there are usually seats to be found back there as well.
-Carry your bag in front of your body if it is crowded. This not only lets you keep an eye on your belongings, it also makes you more aware of when you are slamming your stuff into the side of someone's head.
-Do avoid eye contact with deranged-looking persons, although its usually best to acknowledge them if they direct a question your way. This is because the only thing worse then having a conversation with a crazie is having them shout, "WHAT BITCH?! Oh you're too good for me," over and over again.
-Use headphones, because most of us think your music sucks.

Don't:
-Run for the bus unless you are sure that you can reach the door before the last passenger has boarded. The driver will see you, and he will purposely evade you just for the fun of it (this rule won't necessarily add to the Muni experience in general but it could save you some humiliation.)
-Push while boarding the bus. If you are in dire need of a seat due to advanced age or infirmary then just ask someone in the front to get up. If not then suck it up and stand like the rest of us.
-Sit in the front seats unless you are old or injured. See above.
-Get on and just stand in the middle of the aisle, other people want to get on the bus too!
-Stand in the steps by the door. Usually the bus can't move when this happens so if you can't fit anywhere else but in this spot, get on the next bus.
-Put your feet, wet umbrella, sunflower seed shells or anything else that is gross or lingering on the seats. They are called seats because people sit on them.
-Eat smelly food on the bus. Muni has enough funky smells without you adding a further layer of aroma.
-Yell "BACK DOOR" and pound on the windows at regular bus stops if you are on a Limited bus. Bus drivers don't care where you would like to be dropped off and yelling, while annoying to your fellow passengers, is guaranteed not to faze them at all.
-Reach over someone, subjecting them to a sweaty pit, a boob in the eye, or an elbow to the jaw in order to signal your stop. Most people are happy to pull the rope for you if asked.

Oh Muni, whatever happens you will always be a part of my life. So what if you are often late, or crowded, or smelly. You get me where I need to go and you do it with the lowest possible cost and the highest possible entertainment factor of any other mode of transportation available. For this I thank you and promise never to stray-unless of course someone offers me a ride.